An update of sorts

Just updating again, since the last few notes have been real downers.

Still single, but I've gone from being depressed as hell to wanting to punch The Jerk in the face...to now being annoyed at him but knowing I can do better. :)

I've been on Lexapro to help with this situation depression, and am on my last refill. Gonna talk to my doctor about the best way to wean off of it, but it's REALLY helped me over this slump.

Last semester was KILLER, due to the stress and depression I was having...but I still got all As. :)

Just about to start my final semester in the student teaching program, which includes full time student teaching (in a first grade room!), two college classes, and doing the PACT. So, this'll be another killer semester, especially since I'll be choreographing another show in Menlo Park and hopefully doing some subbing on the side...yay moneys. But hopefully I'll survive.

All in all...I gotta say thanks to my IRL friends, especially my theater buds AW and MT (the latter of which actually went to high school with The Jerk...but is now more my buddy than his, ha). They really helped me out by inviting me out to things and just letting me be around them.

Oh, and this summer's show has been announced.

perfect example of my mental/emotional state right now...

scene: leaving the meeting for my theater company

mom: i need to go get some gas, you can ride home with dad if you want.
me: ...okay. ::starts to wander that way::
mom: ::playful sarcastic:: oh, sure, ride with him just because i need to get gas!
me: uhm, okay...::turns to go ride with mom::
dad: ::playful sarcastic:: oh, what, you don't want to ride with me?
me: ......::starts sobbing::
dad: ...OMG I'M SORRY! ::hug attack::




....yeah. mildly amusing, but seriously pathetic too.

more stuff

i called him last tuesday. we talked.

boiled down to how he can't see himself with me long run because i don't do all of the same things as him (i don't debate, go running, like sweaty hairy hippie dancing).

said if we got married he could see it as him always feeling loved but always feeling like he missed out or lost something because of not doing the same things. i told him maybe that was more of a him problem than me. he agreed that maybe it was

i know i lack communicating skills...but i made the jump to call him and try to talk about things.

while i always felt the relationship was nigh on perfect, he never did. he never outright said he loved me because he was never certain 100% on his feelings.

3 fuckin' years.

i hate this. he says he hates it too. he wants to move forward and still be friends...i want to go back and fix things.

he said he doesn't want to fix it.

fuck, that was like a knife....it reads as "you're not worth it" to me...i started sobbing and quickly told him i had to go.

i just don't know

it's probably a little early to throw in the towel for 2009, but seriously.....this year has been sucktastic.

let's take a look at this...

1. 15 year old girl that i knew (since she was 8 or 9 years old) killed herself in the spring
2. our older dog got really sick and was put to sleep in late june
3. family friend who has been in my life since as long as i can remember - basically like family - died the day after my birthday
4. the boy broke my heart....
4 a. ...which basically makes any happiness i did have between the other previously mentioned events feel like they were a lie
4 b. ...and killed my ability to concentrate, focus, eat, get up in the morning, joy in choreographing kids....etc.

....so yeah. kinda want to sleep away the rest of 2009...at least until i stop feeling like shit in all possible areas of feeling like shit. the only happy thing i can think of is getting our puppy, zeppo, in july...

fuck...

the boy broke up with me...

i'm not the person he sees himself married to, apparently...

i'm so upset by this that my body rebelled and had some breakthrough bleeding in the middle of my cycle....my doctor has given me some xanax for the stress...hopefully i can sleep tonight without the ritual sobfest...

dammit i feel so lost right now. i saw us having a future together...

he still wants to be friends...and i can't possibly hate him...but it hurts so damn much right now that i don't know what to do with myself.

is there anyone out there still reading this?

does anybody care?

*sigh*

goodnight.

Wow, been a while...

I wonder if anyone still checks in around here. Norm, you out there?

I've been kinda neglecting this journal....oops. Most of my activity has been going on at Facebook, so if you're so inclined you can find me there at www.facebook.com/caitykitola

Let's see...

1. I've finished my first semester of the teaching credential program. It was hard and kinda stressful, but I got out of it with 4 As and an A-. Go me!
2. If I get an add code from the people in charge, I'll be starting up my first semester of student teaching in the fall.
3. Cookie, my lahsa apso, has been sick...again. She's not seeming to get better, and will probably have to be put down. I had to clean up three puddles of doggie diarrhea in my room, one of which at least seemed a bit bloody. :( Dad says that she may have doomed herself with that, and it may even happen tomorrow. I'm, understandably, fairly bummed about that. Cookie's been in my family since I was in the 5th or 6th grade, so...geeze, what. About 15 years or 16 years. This is definitely the sucky part about having pets. ::sigh::

Graduation!

I've graduated! Go me!

Photographic Proof is here!

The bizarre thing is that now I have to do my finals....but I have noooo ambition to do so, because of having already done the graduation stuff. Roar. Oh well, I'll finish typing up a roleplay entry and then buckle down on my online class's final.

(Oh, and I have a new laptop. YES!!!!)

Make the stresses go awaaaay.

Cookie update:

She's off and on with whether she's going to eat or not. She didn't eat last night, but I got her to eat some turkey this morning.

According to my dad, when he made an appointment for her to go back and see the vet today, the vet wasn't sounding too hopeful for her since she hasn't improved dramatically by now.

Wah...

Doggy Update

Cookie's not eating and refusing to take her pills.

Hopefully, she's just being stubborn right now, as opposed to having decided she's going to curl up and die.

We did finally trick her into taking her anti-inflamitory by crushing it up into peanut butter and smearing it on her tongue.

Long story short about how her blood work came back, it's like an episode of "House." You know, where some count in her blood is high so it might be this one thing.....except it can't possibly be that, because something else is low and that discounts the first theory. Essentially, anything that could go wonky in her blood has done so.

Fuck, I'm worried and sad and really need a hug. I don't want my puppy to be dying.

I'm such a slacker!

Okay, so I haven't been updating here....it's been BUSY. I'm currently doing my final semester at SJSU as an undergraduate. Yes, The Kitola is graduating in May! As scary as that may seem.

I am also choreographing a musical at a middle school, while simultaneously prepping for the summer musical this summer. Yikes!

Outside of those two things, you can see what I've been up to on my Picasa Photo Albums.

In sadder news, my old gal dog Cookie is feeling her age. She's about 14 now, and has been off her feed a bit. I'm worrying about her.

For now, though, off to class. Missed my classes yesterday due to a blown tire!

Valentine's Day!

So, for Valentine's day, I got a bottle of Technu. It was the most romantic thing ever! As everyone should know, Technu is by far the most extravagant and romantic gift anyone could ever give.

Okay, I'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone other than My Man, where it's been a running gag ever since he bought me some packets of it to keep in my backpack when we go on hikes back in summer.

And yes, I really did get a bottle of Technu in my Valentine's Day bag, burried under all of that tissue paper. It didn't even have any Technu in it, anymore, though. What was inside it, you ask?



And My Man loved the engraved silver pocket watch I got for him. :)

This weekend consists of:
-Friday Night Waltz
-Hiking in Muir Woods (primarily because I need to go for an individual field trip for my California History class)
-Dinner and Dancing at a restaurant in Palo Alto that has ballroom dancing and live music! I'm going to treat this as my romantic Valentine's Day outing, since My Man was so exhausted yesterday that we ended up going to bed at 10:30 pm.

Sigh.

Feeling unimportant/useless/not moving forward/not a catch.

What a winner I am. :(

Why the Kitola is a good girlfriend

My Man called me, too weak from a flu that he's caught to go pick up OJ and some motrin at the Seven-Eleven that he lives next to. So I went around and got the OJ, Motrin, Sudafed (because I took most of his last weekend while I was sick), a thermometer (because he asked for one), Zicam (in case it really is just a cold), and some flowers. Poor guy, he was confining himself to bed....and although he felt better than when he called me, his fever was still 100.3. He wouldn't let me get too close, just in case I hadn't given him the crud that I had and it was something completely different.

But yeah, last week we were both sick...him with a cold, and me with something ickier. Either an ubercold, or a mild flu (But I got my flu shot when they were being offered!...but I was sweaty one night and achey, so maybe it was something ickier). Anyway, we for some reason thought we had the same thing...since they hit around the same time...so there was no acting like either of us had the plague. Lots of flop-cuddling, movie watching, etc. So maybe I did give it to him. :( I hope not. And mostly I hope he gets well soon!

Let's see, haven't updated for awhile. Well, long story short, two weekends ago we went to Tahoe so that I could learn how to cross-country ski. Photos!

Just started my final undergrad semester at SJSU. Graduating in May. Eek.

My Weekend!

Friday: Okay, I was feeling really crappy during the day on Friday, but thankfully my mood managed to get lifted eventually. I grabbed some lunch at a local chinese place, but it apparently was too spicy or something, because my digestive system decided to make me incredibly burpy and uncomfortable. I couldn't even enjoy all of the yummy turkey burger sandwiches that My Man made for dinner. We went for a walk after sitting for a bit, which helped with my stomach a bit, and picked up some DVDs to watch. We got back and popped in Spiderman 3, which neither of us had seen yet.....and I gotta say: I'm SO glad we saw it at home rather than in a theater. I kept wanting to punch the characters in the noses for doing dumb things. Hehe.

Saturday: After a good night's sleep, I felt 100 times better on Saturday morning. After (eventually) getting out of bed, we grabbed some food and set off to the Berkley Wassail. We ended up getting there at about 2 pm, which was in time to say hi at the stop and head off to the next one. I have no complaints with singins and snacking pretty much all day long, and we met some new people that were quite fun to torment. I mean torment in a nice way, of course. :) After we hung out at the last stop for awhile, we went to Saturday(Friday) Night Waltz for the first time. It was fun, though I think I prefer the Friday Night Waltz in Palo Alto. Maybe it just feels more like home. :)

Sunday: Get up at about 9, have some breakfast, throw ourselves together, and out into the world we go to hike at Pinnacles! I had never been, so it was quite an adventure to me. The weather was GREAT...about 60-something throughout the day while we were doing most of the hike. We hiked about 8-9 miles, I guess, but we also climbed around on the really cool rocks. Well, My Man climbed around more than I did...since I'm still pretty cowardly about it...but he did manage to get me to climb up on a big rock! Hand hold and foot hold climbing, and even though I kinda froze and had a bit of a panic attack when I had a few slips, he kept talking me through it and helped me to the top. Which was GREAT for me, honestly...that'll definitely help me over come the irrational fear I have of climbing things like that. Maybe I'll be able to climb with ropes and stuff someday, like the folk we saw.

There were parts of the hike where there were "stairs" carved into the rocks...basically, it was kinda like someone dug foot-holds into the big mountain, put a railing next to it, and you basically climbed up it like it was a ladder (definitely not enough foot space to be thought of as stairs). These were fine, though a little daunting to look at, for going up....but going down, they were kinda terrifying! There's a great photo that My Man took of me heading up these stairs from behind, and you can check that out in the pictures I've uploaded.

We also came across some caves that were mostly closed off due to the season, but they were fun to climb around in, even if they were freezy cold. I could actually see my breath!

Animals that we saw: Lots of ground squirrels, quail, a California Condor, and a coyote!! The condor was really cool, but I was SO jazzed about the coyote. I wanted to CUDDLE it.

Here are the pictures from the hike: Lookit all of the big rocks!

After the hike, we stopped in Gilroy for dinner and headed home. First thing I did was take a shower to wash up, then turned it into a hot bath so I could just sit and soak in the warmth. A hot tub would've felt a lot better, but the tub was good enough. :) I stayed in there for about 30-45 minutes before I got out, threw on my robe and curled up by the fire with some decaf Vanilla Chai tea to read as My Man did some work on his laptop.

I got so warm and cosy that I accidentally dozed off at about 10 pm or so....and woke up at almost 10:30 to find My Man trying to put a false mustache on my face. The twit! ;-) Good thing I woke up before he managed it and was able to take a picture of it. That'll teach me to fall asleep before he does. :) I'll have to start bringing props now to threaten to do the same thing to him, now. Hehe.

VERY good weekend, over all. Tomorrow, though, I have to go to the dentist. Blargh!

End of the Year Updates

On the 28th, I went to a surprise party for my brother. I had to drive to Sacramento for the first time ever, and EYUCH the 2.5 hour drive was killer for me to do alone.

My Man returned from Hawaii on the 29th, after having a great time snorkling/scuba diving, and brought me a necklace of freshwater pearls. I missed him an awful lot, and there was much happiness and hugs around. :) I missed him an awful lot.

The 30th was when I went to my friend's wedding. That was probably the most surreal part of the weekend, primarily due to the fact that it was one of the friends in my core high school group who's married now -- and she's the first one to do so. Ha, my friend J.A. is next, and that'll be half of the group. Kinda weird that the events are happening within a year of each other. Anyway, the wedding was very pretty and it was nice spending a day with My Man, B-Bear, as well as J.A. and her fiance. After the wedding and (rather long) reception, we all went and saw Sweeney Todd at the movie theater. The Man posted the photos and video I took from the wedding here

For New Year's Eve, My Man and I went out to Palo Alto where there was a ball put on by the Paul Price Orchestra. The mother of my friend who got married plays the violin for them, so my friend invited us to go along and hang out with them for the new year. The dancing was a lot of fun, even though I eventually danced myself into acquiring paaainful legs. The countdown sorta sucked, though. I barely heard him say "okay, 10 seconds..............2, 1..." and then the band played Auld Lang Syne. We all had a bit of the "WTF where was the countdown?" moment, but whatever. It was still a lot of fun. :)

Looking forward to seeing what 2008 holds for me. Goodness knows 2007 was pretty eventful!

Knishmas Party!

My Man and I threw a party this past Saturday. A very fun party. It took DAYS to throw together, and we were taking it apart well into the night and today.

I am sooooo tired from the weekend. It was incredibly busy and high energy, save for today, and it's draining on a person.

So, instead of recapping...here's my pictures from the event! I only just got them resized and uploaded.

Nightmare Before Knishmas, 2007!

Note: Those photos don't include the ones a friend of ours took of the destruction of the gingerbread houses....we basically put them up to a load bearing test. :D

Note 2: I gave My Man his holiday gift after everyone left. It was a photo book of all of our events from the past year, and when I say "photo book"...I mean I found a program for putting together a book, and then you order it and it comes to you as an actual bound book with the photos all printed in it. He really liked it. :)

Thoughts on a friend

Went to the opera last night with My Man....and aside from yesterday being one of those days (meaning our cart disappeared at Target, horrible crowded at dinner, terrible parking in San Jose), it was a fairly nice time. The singers were good, and my opera friend was extremely animated and a joy to watch on stage.

However, after the show we went to Il Fornaio with her and some other performers from the opera, which is where she said she needed to call a friend, that I wasn't to tell any embarassing/gossipy stories from high school....and then proceeded to disappear. For about 20 to 30 minutes. Naturally, I felt completely ditched by her. Even her friends from the show leaned over at one point and said something along the lines of "apparently the dirt you have on her is that she ignores her friends" and they felt bad for us.

Found out afterwards that she ran into one of the donors for the opera....which is apparently a huge thing, because if you get the donors to favor you they'll fund you in more shows. The opera folk then understood the networking she had to do and brushed off the disappearance.

I guess I can understand it too. It's just.....I've already played second fiddle, or lower, to someone's career before with my ex (and I'm so glad I'm out of that relationship, let me tell you...feeling like an afterthought or a burden sucks ass). I just never thought I'd have to go through that with one of my friends. And as much as I've commented about her diva personality, her occasional self-centered-ness, with another friend of our's....it just really hurt, moreso than with my ex actually. Even when I commented that I've come to expect that sort of treatment from her, it doesn't make it easier on me. It's so frustrating, and I don't know if I'm over reacting or not, but it just....really upsets me when someone who has dubbed me one of her best friends (even with the clarifier of "from high school") seems to write off my company like that.

::sighs, wipes eyes::

Anyway. At least there was My Man to help me regain some of the feeling of being loved after that.

In other news....My Man gave me a key to his condo. :)

Dinner last night with My Man

Menu:
Rosemary + Garlic lamb chops
Green beans and red potatoes sautee'd in the same flavors
Spinach salad
Chocolate Molten Lava Cakes for dessert

Ambiance:
Instead of eating at the table, I set up a velour blanket in front of the fireplace, with a fire going and some tea candles lit, which is where we had dinner while soft jazz was playing on the CD player -- UTTERLY romantic when My Man started improvising love songs to the music.

The dogs were, obviously, outside...but the cat was welcome due to being quiet and affectionate without pushing her way into our plates.

Successful? Very much so! It was a very nice evening, and nothing burned or was undercooked. Overall, I'm thrilled with how the evening went (aside from the dogs having gotten pushy and loud on trying to get my attention to come back in).

What's Cooking?

I am! Well, I will be. My parents are going out of town this weekend (for my aunt's funeral...I'm taking care of the pets), and while they're away I'm going to make dinner for My Man (formally known as "The Boy"). It's taken me the better part of a day to come up with a menu, but I'm fairly proud of it!

Rosemary & Garlic lamb chops (think I might try to find boneless)
Red potatoes and green beans cooked in the same flavors
Salad (thinking Spinach salad)

And for dessert, I'm going to make Chocolate Molten Cakes.

At least, that's the plan. Hopefully, it won't turn into giving up and ordering in. It's my first grown up dinner I'll plan and make all on my own. I don't know how people plan meals weeks in advance.

I also just ordered the very special super secret gift for My Man. I'd tell you all what it is, but in case he's poking around here as well, I don't want to give away the surprise. But I'll make sure to go into detail after it's given, and post pictures.

Halloween and Things!

Sorry for delays -- I've been busy with various things, including preparing for Halloween (my next project is preparing for a party The Boy and I will be throwing in December).

First off, a few weeks ago I went and worked the final Renaissance Faire in the season up in Folsom (near Sacramento) with The Boy. Had a lot of fun there, and located a few photos that others have taken and put them all here.

For Halloween, we went to the DNA Lounge in San Francisco in our costumes. To see what we were, check out my album of Halloween photos!

And finally, this past weekend we went to a Ranch in Napa Valley that my family is members of for the weekend! We spent Saturday at the ranch relaxing, riding horses, and taking a hike. On Sunday, we left and went for a much more strenuous hike in a places called "Cold Creek Canyon," I believe. Today, my thighs are kiiiiiilling me. So much pain to go up and down stairs, but the hike was gorgeous. Once again, I have pictures! After the hike, we grabbed dinner with some friends and headed home for the 2 hour drive.

Tonight, there's a meeting with the Shoestring Theater Company's board of directors to pick next summer's show. Hopefully it'll be the one I really want!

Hope everyone reading this is well and good. Sorry I've been so sporadic with updating.

P.S. Working on a super secret, but hopefully super special gift for The Boy as a combined holiday/anniversary gift. You know, it's about 1 year exactly since our first date...time has flown!

Tomales Bay Pictures

Here's an album full of pictures taken from the kayaking trip. Look away!

http://picasaweb.google.com/caity.andrews/KayakingTripTomalesBay