Thursday, September 24, 2009


the boy broke up with me...

i'm not the person he sees himself married to, apparently...

i'm so upset by this that my body rebelled and had some breakthrough bleeding in the middle of my doctor has given me some xanax for the stress...hopefully i can sleep tonight without the ritual sobfest...

dammit i feel so lost right now. i saw us having a future together...

he still wants to be friends...and i can't possibly hate him...but it hurts so damn much right now that i don't know what to do with myself.

is there anyone out there still reading this?

does anybody care?




Linda said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Cry, cry and then cry some more, let yourself grieve. It's okay to be sad you have a broken heart. You're kind of in shock.You two have been together a while and it's going to take some time to get your bearings.You are going to have a lot of different feelings to deal with. Being friends is nice but you need to be allowed to feel the anger too. So I would give yourself some time away from him right now. I know it's hard but it's better if you have some breathing space. I really am sorry that you're going through this. Please know you have friends and family that love you.

Linda said...

Oh and (((((Hugs))))


Linda said...


Know that you have experienced a loss, a death of sorts. Something that once was, is no longer. With loss comes grieving, and you'll probably find yourself riding out waves of emotion. You're likely to replay the same scenes over and over in your head: you with her in happier times; you without her after the breakup. That's normal — for a while.

Instead of getting stuck in a loop of reruns, put your nagging thoughts down on paper. Purge your mind in a written record that includes anything that keeps claiming your attention: the he said/she said; the way you felt then and now; the reasons why you thought it would end differently; the words you'd like to say, if you had a chance. Draw pictures, if you want. This is your story of hurt. Let it out.

Give yourself permission to have a good cry. Get mad and punch your pillow. You can do either or both alone or in the company of a close friend. Do neither in public. Being sad enough to sob is understandable; crying buckets around a crowd, whether you know them or not, is unacceptable. They may be miserable with you, but you won't feel any better spreading the anguish.

Get physical. (Okay, put away thoughts of inflicting pain on your ex.) Walk, run, jump, skip, dance: Do something that requires your body to move and your broken heart to get pumping. You may think you look silly, but you'll feel much better being in motion than sitting and fretting.

Pick a favorite pastime to distract your attention away from the stings of your memories. A busy brain can't keep a stranglehold on one subject. By keeping occupied with something you enjoy, you'll give yourself a break from the negativity associated with your lost love.

Start making plans. When you begin looking forward, you'll find that you have all sorts of opportunities - to enjoy hobbies, friends, family, interests, and activities that you may have put on the back burner to focus on your relationship with him or her. While you're wondering whether you'll ever feel happy again, put yourself in situations with positive people who remind you of reasons to smile. Along the way, you'll figure out that you're going to be okay. The future's brighter because of what you've learned from the growing pains of experience.

The Kitola said...

thanks, linda.

i had some friends from the show take me out to a bar tonight for drinks...after four coronas and something called a washington apple i'm feeling better momentarily.

i'm going to be choreographing another children's show, and i have my student teaching to keep me busy for the's really hard but i'm managing to make it one day at a time.

that, and the xanax my doctor gave me for falling asleep at night. i don't know what i'm going to do, though...he told me that he knew of a lot of guys who had told him "if you weren't dating her, i'd ask her out" but it isn't the same. and i don't think i'll be ready for it for a long while.

screwed up or not, i still love the guy...even if he never said those words outloud to me.

Lin's Sims Stories said...

That's good you're keeping busy. Of course your feelings for him are not going to go away. You're right you may not be ready for a new relationship soon. Take some time to reflect on this one. The good and the bad, it will help you understand what YOU want and need to be happy. It's not always about making the other person happy, you need to be happy too. Years ago, my younger brother had the girl he was engaged to break up with him and didn't give him a reason, he found out later she was having an affair with his best friend and they went on to get married on the day she and my bro had planned to. He of course was quite heartbroken. I told him that it probably wasn't real love he had felt, real real love. I told him when he found the right person he would know that what he had before had not been real love because of how different it was with the right person. When he met the woman he is married to now and had decided to ask her to marry him he made of point of calling me to tell me. He reminded me of our conversation about the break up he'd had previously and he told me I was right. He had not really been in love, he said what he'd had was nothing like the scope of what he had with the woman he was with now. I was very happy for him, they've been happily married now for 15 years. I know you feel you love him, but that cannot compare to when you both are in love with each other. Truly in love and committed to each other fully. That will happen for you I know it. You have a heart too full of love to give and share and it will. He is out there somewhere looking for you and when you find each other, you'll both know it and it will be like nothing else that's ever been before. YOU will be the Love of HIS life, you will be the person he needs and wants and cherishes and he to you. Really, I know you can't believe it now, but you will someday. Right now though you take good care of yourself, learn from this it will help you when you meet the "Right" one.