Sunday, October 04, 2009

more stuff

i called him last tuesday. we talked.

boiled down to how he can't see himself with me long run because i don't do all of the same things as him (i don't debate, go running, like sweaty hairy hippie dancing).

said if we got married he could see it as him always feeling loved but always feeling like he missed out or lost something because of not doing the same things. i told him maybe that was more of a him problem than me. he agreed that maybe it was

i know i lack communicating skills...but i made the jump to call him and try to talk about things.

while i always felt the relationship was nigh on perfect, he never did. he never outright said he loved me because he was never certain 100% on his feelings.

3 fuckin' years.

i hate this. he says he hates it too. he wants to move forward and still be friends...i want to go back and fix things.

he said he doesn't want to fix it.

fuck, that was like a reads as "you're not worth it" to me...i started sobbing and quickly told him i had to go.

i just don't know

it's probably a little early to throw in the towel for 2009, but seriously.....this year has been sucktastic.

let's take a look at this...

1. 15 year old girl that i knew (since she was 8 or 9 years old) killed herself in the spring
2. our older dog got really sick and was put to sleep in late june
3. family friend who has been in my life since as long as i can remember - basically like family - died the day after my birthday
4. the boy broke my heart....
4 a. ...which basically makes any happiness i did have between the other previously mentioned events feel like they were a lie
4 b. ...and killed my ability to concentrate, focus, eat, get up in the morning, joy in choreographing kids....etc. yeah. kinda want to sleep away the rest of least until i stop feeling like shit in all possible areas of feeling like shit. the only happy thing i can think of is getting our puppy, zeppo, in july...

1 comment:

Linda said...

Sweetie, at least he's been honest with you, you have to give him that. And actually it means he respects you and the relationship you've had for this 3 years. Values you as a person enough to be honest with you. I know sometimes honesty can be brutal and hurt, but it's better in the long run. It will help you to someday be friends because there won't be any lies between you. You've had a lot of loss in your life this year. Grieving is a process, you are going to have bad days and good days. Right now they all feel like bad days I know, but they will get better. Really they will. Promise yourself that if you get too depressed you'll talk to your Doctor. You're family and friends love you and I'm sure they are all there for you too. You have a support system lean on them. Be honest with them about your feelings. If things get too hard, talk to them about it. I know it's hard to focus on work and stuff with a broken heart. You may feel like you are just in Zombie mode, but that's okay. The fog will clear little by little. Just try to keep busy, get plenty of rest. Drink lots of water, you're probably dehydrated and don't even realize it. A little wine or whatever is okay but don't over do the alcohol it doesn't really help it only makes you more depressed and with a hangover. Not good! One step at a time, one day at a time. HUGS- Linda