Tuesday, October 06, 2009

perfect example of my mental/emotional state right now...

scene: leaving the meeting for my theater company

mom: i need to go get some gas, you can ride home with dad if you want.
me: ...okay. ::starts to wander that way::
mom: ::playful sarcastic:: oh, sure, ride with him just because i need to get gas!
me: uhm, okay...::turns to go ride with mom::
dad: ::playful sarcastic:: oh, what, you don't want to ride with me?
me: ......::starts sobbing::
dad: ...OMG I'M SORRY! ::hug attack::

....yeah. mildly amusing, but seriously pathetic too.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

more stuff

i called him last tuesday. we talked.

boiled down to how he can't see himself with me long run because i don't do all of the same things as him (i don't debate, go running, like sweaty hairy hippie dancing).

said if we got married he could see it as him always feeling loved but always feeling like he missed out or lost something because of not doing the same things. i told him maybe that was more of a him problem than me. he agreed that maybe it was

i know i lack communicating skills...but i made the jump to call him and try to talk about things.

while i always felt the relationship was nigh on perfect, he never did. he never outright said he loved me because he was never certain 100% on his feelings.

3 fuckin' years.

i hate this. he says he hates it too. he wants to move forward and still be friends...i want to go back and fix things.

he said he doesn't want to fix it.

fuck, that was like a knife....it reads as "you're not worth it" to me...i started sobbing and quickly told him i had to go.

i just don't know

it's probably a little early to throw in the towel for 2009, but seriously.....this year has been sucktastic.

let's take a look at this...

1. 15 year old girl that i knew (since she was 8 or 9 years old) killed herself in the spring
2. our older dog got really sick and was put to sleep in late june
3. family friend who has been in my life since as long as i can remember - basically like family - died the day after my birthday
4. the boy broke my heart....
4 a. ...which basically makes any happiness i did have between the other previously mentioned events feel like they were a lie
4 b. ...and killed my ability to concentrate, focus, eat, get up in the morning, joy in choreographing kids....etc.

....so yeah. kinda want to sleep away the rest of 2009...at least until i stop feeling like shit in all possible areas of feeling like shit. the only happy thing i can think of is getting our puppy, zeppo, in july...

Thursday, September 24, 2009


the boy broke up with me...

i'm not the person he sees himself married to, apparently...

i'm so upset by this that my body rebelled and had some breakthrough bleeding in the middle of my cycle....my doctor has given me some xanax for the stress...hopefully i can sleep tonight without the ritual sobfest...

dammit i feel so lost right now. i saw us having a future together...

he still wants to be friends...and i can't possibly hate him...but it hurts so damn much right now that i don't know what to do with myself.

is there anyone out there still reading this?

does anybody care?



Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wow, been a while...

I wonder if anyone still checks in around here. Norm, you out there?

I've been kinda neglecting this journal....oops. Most of my activity has been going on at Facebook, so if you're so inclined you can find me there at www.facebook.com/caitykitola

Let's see...

1. I've finished my first semester of the teaching credential program. It was hard and kinda stressful, but I got out of it with 4 As and an A-. Go me!
2. If I get an add code from the people in charge, I'll be starting up my first semester of student teaching in the fall.
3. Cookie, my lahsa apso, has been sick...again. She's not seeming to get better, and will probably have to be put down. I had to clean up three puddles of doggie diarrhea in my room, one of which at least seemed a bit bloody. :( Dad says that she may have doomed herself with that, and it may even happen tomorrow. I'm, understandably, fairly bummed about that. Cookie's been in my family since I was in the 5th or 6th grade, so...geeze, what. About 15 years or 16 years. This is definitely the sucky part about having pets. ::sigh::